Today marks my last full day in the office. Though there will likely be some final emails, texts, and those inevitable last-minute "I forgot to tell you" moments, this is my final day in this space.
I've been with this church and its various partnerships and alliances for nearly 15 years, ever since my internship began in 2009. As I sit here, so many thoughts and emotions are flooding my mind. The last six weeks have been a whirlwind of memories, moments, and stories—some I had forgotten or set aside until they came rushing back.
I find myself at peace. I feel the grief that comes with change, yet I am excited about what lies ahead. Zac Bryan’s song "Hopefully" captures my feelings perfectly:
'Cause I got hope in tomorrow and regret in yesterday
So if you could find a way to forgive me
Then maybe I could find just a piece of peace of mind
And carry on tomorrow hopefully
And carry on tomorrow hopefully
I have hope for tomorrow and what the future holds—without a doubt. When I began writing this, I intended to share my hopes and what's next for me, but it feels important to close this chapter properly before I start the next.
I also feel regret for yesterday. Fifteen years is a long time, and I have made my share of mistakes and missteps. Looking back, I often wonder, "Should I have chosen differently?" There were many times when I could have pushed things through, rallied for votes, and shaped the narrative to achieve what I thought needed to be done, all for the sake of the Kingdom. Instead, I chose to present decisions to our leaders, allowing us to write our story together—for better, worse, or indifferent. It was never my story, my church, or my vision; it was God's, and He was actively revealing it to all of us. We all had the opportunity to respond or not. So, yes, I have regrets, but I chose to lead with others and not manipulate them into doing what I thought was best. I wish many things had been different at key moments, but that’s life—people are people, and sometimes that works out well, and other times, not so much.
Did I always lead well with others? Absolutely not. Over these 15 years, I have learned a great deal through trial and error. I have grown up a lot, and there was no way to do that except by walking through what I did. I am grateful to those who allowed me to learn and grow with them over the years.
So, if you could find a way to forgive me.
I have often felt this need for forgiveness. In moments when things didn’t work out as I thought they should, I frequently felt responsible. The list of people who have left the church over the years due to misunderstandings or unresolved issues is not a short one, and those moments haunt me. I wish I could have made each situation what it should have been. I seek forgiveness for not always being what I should or could have been, for not seeing what was happening and responding in the moment, for not being someone else. If you’re feeling the complexity of all this, good. I want you to understand that I am still in the process of learning and growing. I want to make amends where needed, but I also recognize that everything that has happened over these 15 years is not solely on me. Many others were part of this church journey with me. We all have our learning, growing, forgiving, and seeking forgiveness to do.
As Brené Brown says, "We are all doing our best." And as Zac Bryan puts it, "I can only be the man I am today." We are all in process, doing the best we can. Sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don’t, and we learn lessons. Often, the lessons come from things not turning out the way we wanted them to.
Then maybe I could find just a piece of peace of mind.
Understanding that we are all in process helps me find peace. I trust that God has each of us on our unique journey. I am responsible for mine, and you are responsible for yours. Often, our paths intersect, and the goal is to help each other along the way. Sometimes, harm is caused because we are learning and growing together. I find peace in knowing that God is in control of this whole, messy process and is working things out in and through us. He is the author and perfecter of our faith. I am not in charge of that work, and neither are you. Therefore…
And carry on tomorrow hopefully.
I will carry on tomorrow with hope. And I hope you will too. We must come to terms with the reality that we are human, full of hope for what’s to come and regret for what has been. We need forgiveness—from God, from others, and from ourselves—so we can find the peace that comes from being a work in progress.
I will carry on tomorrow with hope. What about you?
Strength and courage,
Kevin
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